How to Forgo a Productive Life to Become a Blogger

Blogging is already opening up an array of opportunities for me to neglect customers at work, not wash my dishes, forget about pre-existing commitments, and to generally fail at everyday life.

Here's how you can emulate my sucess:


Step 1) Visit your blog obsessively to admire your lone post.

Step 2) Check the e-mail account that you created just for this occasion.

Step 3) Quickly cycle between shock, disappointment, and rage when you find your e-mail box to still be empty.

Step 4) Log on to StatCounter.com to see how many people have visited your blog.

Step 5) Become unjustifiably excited to see that your blog had 37 visitors today.

Step 6) Subtract the four people that you already bullied into reading your blog from your 37 visitors.

Step 7) Ponder who the remaining 33 visitors might be.

Step 8) Wonder if Bono googled himself and consequently stumbled upon your blog.

Step 9) Wonder if Bono told Leonardo DiCaprio about your blog.

Step 10) Regret not having your donate button installed yet so they could give you millions of dollars.

Step 11) Become severely distressed about the donate button situation.

Step 12) Take a mental health break from the computer, telling yourself that you will research the procurement of a donate button upon your return.

Step 13) Drink some iced tea.

Step 14) Return to computer.

Step 15) Forget what you were supposed to do when you got back.

Step 16) Resolve to admire your only blog post again.

Step 17) Repeat steps two through 16.


Because the steps are cyclical, you don't have to worry about actively trying to fail at life; it will come naturally.

I don't want to cause too much alarm or cause for concern amongst my four followers, so I assure you that I had some stunningly productive moments today that came as a shock even to me. I cooked a delicious omelet this morning and also came to the conclusion that, should I ever need to change my name for legal reasons, I would almost definitely change it to Princess Moonstar the Terrible.

On the downside, I expect my productivity levels to plummet drastically tomorrow as I will now have twice the number of blog posts to admire. I plan to adjust accordingly by cutting back my hours at work and switching to paper plates.


UPDATE: I have now received my first piece of fanmail to my new e-mail account, so all it right in the world and I am no longer filled with rage over that situation. Still working on the donate button though.