How to Prepare to be Raptured

1) Chose an attractive, yet comfortable, clothing ensemble. If you are raptured, this will be the outfit you will spend all of eternity wearing. Opt for classic styles and avoid trendy items that are likely to go out of style quickly. If you got the idea from Lady Gaga, it's best avoided. A rotting meat dress is still a rotting meat dress, even in heaven.

Comfort is key when selecting your rapture ensemble. Select something that you can frolic freely through the heavens in. Fashioning a toga out of your bed sheets may seem like a practical and timeless solutions; however, as Brad Pitt taught us in "Seven", God counts sloth among the cardinal sins worthy of eternal damnation.

Sorry, little guy.

I can't really think of anything more slovenly than utilizing your bed linens as clothing during an impending apocalypse. Don't make God think twice about you.


2. Make pet sitting arrangements. Christians largely agree that animals do not have souls and, therefore, cannot ascend into heaven. Especially sloths. (Although I personally disagree based on absolutely no biblical or scientific findings.) As such, it is imperative that you arrange for your pet to be cared for once you have left it behind. Select a trusted friend who you suspect will not be raptured tomorrow and speak with them about caring for your pet after God has plucked you from the earth. If you are making arrangements for your cat, you will need to negotiate financial compensation with your friend as no one likes cats.


3. Don't be embarrassing. Leaving earth will also leave your residence vulnerable to home invasion and squatters. Rid your home of embarrassing artifacts prior to being raptured to avoid leaving a legacy of humiliation. Burning the contents of your nightstand drawer is usually a good starting point.


4. Bid adieu. "Experts" agree that only about 2% of the population will be raptured tomorrow. This means that, if you have 200 facebook friends, 196 of them will be hanging around until October, while you will essentially be dead. Seize this opportunity to bid them adieu. Now is the time to make proclamations of unrequited love, apologetic confessions of wrongdoing, and excrutiationly truthful declarations of annoyance with all of your facebook friends. Personal examples include:

          "John, I know I've never said this before, but I peed in your Brita water pitcher. I
             thought I was doing you a favor by testing its scientific integrity. I was quite
                                                   drunk. Sincerest apologies."

                                                                          And....

          "Katie, your facebook statuses are truly a testament to the state of mankind and
             the need for God to intervene. If it's not some ambiguous post about how sad
                 you are about something, then it's a picture of your overweight cat doing
            something thoroughly uninteresting. If you don't get raptured, I won't really be
                                                                    surprised.
                                                    P.S. Can you watch my dog?"

Here's a John Mayer song to inspire you: