How to Extract a Nipple

You may be under the impression that you are about to get detailed directions on the mechanics of breastfeeding, but you would be wrong. I know nothing about breastfeeding and cannot speculate as to how or why it is done. However, if you have a rogue sprinkler that is spewing water all over everything but your lawn, you may be in the market for a nipple extraction, whether you know it or not.

When one of my sprinklers decided that its purpose would be better served by erratically watering my lawn furniture, the side of my house, and occasionally, my unsuspecting dog. I did what most girls would do in my situation. I glared at it from the other side of my sliding glass door, called it a bastard, and when the coast was clear, I stomped furiously on it. When all of these obviously brilliant tactics failed, I called my dad.

He arrived shortly after, toolbox in hand and superhero cape blowing majestically in the wind. He assessed the situation, finding that the sprinkler head was no longer attached to whatever sprinkler heads usually find themselves attached to. He dug a sizeable hole, but quickly discovered that the thing below (note that I have absolutely no knowledge of sprinkler terminology) was a worthy adversary. He announced that a trip to Home Depot was in order.

While he was gone, a standoff developed in which my dog switched between eyeing the hole longingly and staring spitefully at me as if to say, "I've lived here for two freaking years and you have never, NEVER let me dig the hole I wanted to dig back here, but this guy is here for two seconds and he gets to dig a hole?!? I hate you."

To my relief, my dad returned quickly and the tension between my dog and I dissipated. Apparently, this is the answer to taming a problematic sprinkler:

Here are my step-by-step instructions for extracting your own nipple:

Step 1) Print the above picture and show it to Home Depot employees until you have procured this item.

Step 2) Unwrap item, being sure to preserve the label in a safe spot as you will surely want to revisit it during drunken parties as a conversational piece.

Step 3) Things get a bit uncertain at this point. You probably need to dig some sort of hole until you unearth something that looks like it might be called a nipple. Once you have identified the potential nipple, extract it using your nipple extractor.


Tip: When utilizing the label as a conversational piece, be sure to point out the portion that reads 'Rigid teeth for even the toughest of nipples.'

Bonus tip: If you have a dog, consider allowing him to dig the hole for you. Trick him into thinking it was his idea all along to dig this hole. Not only will your dog think you are awesome, but you will save yourself the trip to the neighbor's house to borrow a shovel.